The Case Against the Family Bed



Posted: Wednesday, April 30, 2008

by
http://mrmomsunite.blogspot.com

A friend of ours had their first child several years before we did. They believed in the "Family Bed" system. This is the system that has you sleep in the same bed as your children. Although this sounds good in theory, it is a recipe for disaster. When their child reached 6 years old, they moved her to her own room. I guess I should say they TRIED to move her to her own room; What followed was YEARS of tantrums.

When my wife had our first child, we lived in a 1 bedroom apartment. We had decided that we did not want our baby to sleep in the same room with us, so we set-up the crib and changing area in the dining room. We did not want to share our room, because we didn't want our child to develop a need to be with someone in order to fall asleep. If your child develops this dependency, then later down the road when you try to move them into a room of their own, you are going to have major problems. I can guarantee you will have a nightly visitor and nightly temper tantrums until you cave in, or they fall asleep from exhaustion. Unless you like to endure hours of screaming, as our friend did, then you need to give your infant their own space.

I know that this is hard, especially if this is your first child. You want to be with them all the time, but you need to give them their space AND you need to have your own space as well. You and your wife need to have time to yourselves, even if there is only a door or a wall separating you from your baby.

There will be times when your child will need to sleep with you, and that's OK. I'm not saying you should never let them sleep with you, I am saying that you should not make it a permanent thing. I remember that for the first month, I stayed-up at night and watched TV in the living room, so I could keep an eye on my daughter. This also allowed my wife to be able to get a few precious hours of sleep before having to feed her again. I didn't have to do this, since we had a baby moniter, but it gave me a sense that I was actually helping my wife.

Once we were both comfortable and our daughter fell into a type of routine, we both slept in our bedroom and our daughter slept in her crib in the dining room.
A stay at home father who homeschools his children. He comments on observations of everyday life, parenting and fitness. 
Everyday Living
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)
» left by James P Krehbiel
 3 years 273 days ago.
125 fans.
Tim, Yes, there is a whole movement with this so called "attachment parenting." It creates serious separation anxiety in children as parents do not set appropriate boundaries for their kids. I have treated these parents and children in therapy and it is very sad. Thanks for drawing attention to this critical issue.
» left by Tim Hicks 3 years 273 days ago.
3 fans.
It seems to me that this separation anxiety would get worse as the child grows older. An unhealthy environment for both parent and child. Thank you for your comments.
» left by Susan Thom
 3 years 272 days ago.
175 fans.
hi tim, i also, believe as you, and raised my 3 kids in that fashion, and i, too, know someone who didn't do so, and they also went through the wake ups and tantrums for a long time. this was a well written, interesting article, thanks for sharing, best regards, sue thom
» left by Tim Hicks 3 years 272 days ago.
3 fans.
Thank you. I am so glad that we knew about this when we raised our kids. Take care, Tim
» left by straight talk
 3 years 269 days ago.
111 fans. Follow straight talk on twitter!
Ok, I am 63 and have yet to hear of this? Now I have heard of children sharing a bed and a room by nature of economics. Yet having my children in bed wasn't something I think most set out to do. Yes there are situations but like I said I was never aware it was a common thing?
» left by Tim Hicks 3 years 269 days ago.
3 fans.
Thank you for you comment. Yes, I agree with you. I understand that this may sometimes occur out of necessity, but to make this a lifestyle choice is a bit too strange for me.
» left by Anonymous 2 years 197 days ago.
Has your daughter never fallen asleep in your arms, on the couch with you while watching TV, etc? These are all examples of co-sleeping, yet no one balks at these practices. Family bed is just one variation. For 90% of the world, it's how their families sleep. Only in America are we pushing babies and kids too young to be independent, and losing out on those attachments. You mention that you stayed awake for a month to be sure your daughter was safe. Imagine if everyone was in the same spot. I bet you and your wife would have both slept more calmly knowing your daughter was right there. As far as transitioning to separate beds, usually wait until someone is uncomfortable, the it's a GRADUAL process to do with the kids. Sounds like your friends didn't take the gradual route, so they had problems.
» left by Chelsea
from Charlotte, NC 2 years 129 days ago.
I think co-sleeping sounds like a good idea for babies and into toddler-hood. I think the issue was that your friends co-slept until the kid was -six-. Holy cow. Most kids start to develop a sense of indepence during their toddler years, and I think that is probably the right time to transition them into their own bed. I think your friends simply missed their opportunity and let it go on too long. However, this is just my opinion and I think every parent needs to do what feels right and what works for them.
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